i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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