My first STD was from a foam party
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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