I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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