So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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