Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
