he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
