o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
