the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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