I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
