I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
there is puke in my bra ... again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
