I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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