i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
