If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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