oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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