I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize