Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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