Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
