She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
