the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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