I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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