You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
worst night to have a conscience
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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