If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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