I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize