so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize