Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize