She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize