He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
