I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize