my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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