The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i think my tv is drunk
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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