he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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