Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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