The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
