Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she peed on how many people?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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