when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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