Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
