You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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