Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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