You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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