Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
