I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize