just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
