Im at strip club and am horny
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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