my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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