She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
