I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
