i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
