Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
