How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
