she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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