I'm going to jail i love you
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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