He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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