OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
