Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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