just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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