i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
