Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
